My heart began racing, pounding in my chest, my eyes darted for the exits and in my head I began to think of 1001 reasons why I wouldn’t be able to attend the next meeting. The following announcement at a CWS Networking meeting majorly triggered my body image anxiety:
“And in next month’s meet up we will be joined by the incredible Moo, stylist to the stars, who will be helping us work out the colours that suit us and more…”
Such an innocent announcement, an exciting announcement even, yet it filled me with dread. My first thought was to find a reason not to attend, after all it was the beginning of the summer holidays and although I was still working, due to childcare, these available business days were going to be drastically reduced.
Then I had a word with myself! It was the barefoot walk all over again! I asked my panicking brain; Why are you having such a reaction?
It all comes down to my self esteem again, and my confidence in myself again. The moment there was a perceived threat of being told something about the way I looked wasn’t right I went straight into flight mode. Take off, bury my head, don’t show up that day! If you have been reading my previous posts on Body Image and Creativity you will know my relationship with my body is a developing one! Everyday I continue to practice love and kindness towards my body however, when it comes to my clothes I have zero issues. I LOVE my clothes, and I love my style. I love experimenting and putting different combinations together. When I step out the house my clothes reflect the person I want to show to the world that day, it’s the person I’ve woken up feeling like. It is the one body confidence I actually do have, and oh if you complement my clothes you’ve absolutely made my day. I will squirm and wriggle away If you were to compliment my lips, or say I’ve got beautiful eyes, however, with my clothes I embrace those compliments like the fierce queen I am. My clothes are, in essence, my armour.
The idea of going to this networking event created a mental chink in my armour. What if I find out I’ve been wearing the wrong things all along? If my clothes are wrong then golly gosh, what do I have left?!
Did I avoid it?
No, I didn’t. I nearly did, I was honestly so scared, however I knew the voice that was screaming with fear wasn’t screaming any truths, and therefore didn’t need to be listened to. I went, and funnily enough I actually had an incredible time, I even said yes when invited to be an example of someone on the lighter colour spectrum. That’s right, I stood up in front of a room full of other people, baring colours and shades that wouldn’t suit me, followed by ones that did was such a big moment. It was an act that stomped over that voice that had been screaming with fear and it told it to go and fully jog on.
Those of you who know me personally are aware that I am a Christian. Jesus welcomed all, he loved all, and he made sure everyone knew they were worthy, loved and valued no matter who they were or their background. Yet I much as I do my best to show that to everyone I meet, I 100% have not been showing that fully to myself. Recently I’ve been reflecting on parts of the Bible were it talks about being in the world but not of the world, whilst doing that I read an article about that verse which spoke about not letting yourself drift away from truths…and it hit me. When it comes to how I view myself I have drifted away from core truths and let the voice of the world and it’s multimillion dollar beauty industry let me believe I am less than. That because of my lumps, bumps, and strongly developing number 11 frown lines I am not beautiful, or lovable, or worthy, or valuable. And that has to change. And it has to change because it’s not true. It’s not true for any of us.
Several times in the Bible it refers to God being the potter and we are the clay, moulded by Him. This inspired me with the make for today. I wanted to get my hands dirty and mould myself out of clay in order to reconnect with my awesome body.
And the result? Well see for yourself!
It isn’t perfect, but neither am I. It has lumps, and bumps, and wonky boobs, but that’s also pretty accurate! We happened to have some left over air drying clay which was perfect for this activity. I sat down to mould with anxiety and hope as high as each other, yet from the moment I first squeezed that clump of clay together I began to let go. The silky, cold feeling of the material in my hands was relaxing. I had no idea what I was doing, or what the best technique was to make it but it didn’t matter, I was moulding it anyway. As it all began to take shape I realised just how beautiful and incredible the human body is, especially the female form. I think we zoom in on the features we don’t like too often, we see parts of us as flaws. Nothing is a flaw. That’s what I’ve come to realise. Those things that have have changed my body over the years, mainly giving birth and aging, are both blessings. They both ooze life.
Please do take the time to try this activity yourself. It was fun, peaceful, and really opened my eyes to the truth of how beautiful I am, how loved I am and how worthy I am. And these are the same truths for you.
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